#9

The updates come as they please and as they go.

My hands have been full of the late, to the brink I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore.  I can feel the stress coming on to me. During this time of stress, I have written down a list of ten things I want to do at this current moment but I’m unable to do so…

Here’s the list as to what I really want to enjoy now.

THE LIST (not in order)

• Take photos of everything around me
  I feel that I have been neglecting my precious DSLR for a very long time. It’s not on purpose: I hardly have the time to walk around and take photos of random things anymore. I yearn to take photos of the gravel beneath my feet, the grey skies I wake up every morning to, the hands that holds me together, the strangers I encounter crossing the road, the leaves that snow from the trees; all the simple things I meet everyday. I hate waking up everyday, passing by something and missing this great picture, then regretting that I am missing the one thing to capture this moment. I guess I’ll have to bottle up this yearning until this semester ends. I miss the days when I used to run around in KL late night with Ting, Ming, Bryan, Abdullah (Yes, he was with us on one trip) and just snapping anything at all.  Those days were wonderful. I want to relive those moments, if I could.
• A walk under the rain
  Whenever I feel really blue, or in need of redemption, I would walk under the rain, let it kiss my face and reassure me that everything would be alright. It’s not just a one minute walk from one place to another. No, it’s got to be random, I’ve got to walk wherever my feet takes me. To the point I’ve become one with the rain. And at that very moment, I want to break down into tears or just laugh. Cause I really don’t know where I ought to channel all my bottled feelings to.
  Just talking about this made me remember a line from Murakami’s book ‘Dance Dance Dance‘:

“Gazing at the rain, I consider what it means to belong, to become part of something. To have someone cry for me. From someplace distant, so very distant. From, ultimately, a dream. No matter how far I reach out, no matter how fast I run, I’ll never make it.

Why would anyone want to cry for me?”
– by Haruki Murakami

• Compose a few songs
  I’ve been on this project since earlier this year (maybe earlier on) but I have no idea what to write now. Chris believes in me, but I don’t know. I’m trying to put the words in my head, sometimes even one-liners but all I can come up is with cheesy words that really have no feel at all. Can anyone understand that? Probably. After all, it took M. Night Shyamalan about a few drafts before he got The Sixth Sense right. I need a book. Pen. Paper. And inspiration altogether.
• Write at least, the entire first chapter to my manga
  This is another which requires the same as the above.  For more than a year, this manga story of mine have collected dust but it has just resurfaced itself of the late, and it’s got me really thinking. I just want to breathe life into them but I don’t really know how to make a character become a part of me. Maybe not just my manga story, maybe other things as well. I’ve made up my mind to go to the Scriptwriting Competition Briefing tomorrow (with much encouragement. Thanks to Chris, who believes in me and is willing to proofread for me, and Nyan, who’s always been my rock at everything) and from there, I’ll decide if I can take on this challenge. With so much to do, I pray I have time to allocate for just this. Quote Murakami from my favorite book:

  “Writing novels is much the same. You gather up bones and make your gate, but no matter how wonderful the gate might be, that alone doesn’t make it a living breathing novel. A story is not something of this world. A real story requires a kind of magical baptism to link the world on this side with the world on the other side.”
  — Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)

• The beach
  Seabreeze. Sand. Seawater. Sunny blue skies. This is what I’ve been dreaming about since the trip to PD. Who doesn’t yearn for the beach as a perfect getaway from everything? I know I do. Forget Hawaii, I could even take the nearest beach and just bury myself in it!
  
• A camp with all my best friends, doing nothing
  There are times when even though I prefer to be alone, I yearn for the companionship of  the people I really like hanging around with.  A vacation without anything in our minds: Gone with the computers, gone with the handphones, gone with everything. Just us and the naked earth below us, the trees around us, laughter that fills the air, and dreams enveloping us: It’s a dreamer’s vacation, which I know only a few will come to enjoy. Which is why I know who I want to bring with me on this trip
• Dance
  

  “Dance,” said the Sheep Man. “Yougottadance. Aslongasthemusicplays. Yougottadance. Donteventhinkwhy. Starttothink, yourfeetstop. Yourfeetstop, wegetstuck. Wegetstuck, yourestuck. Sodontpayanymind, nomatterhowdumb. Yougottakeepthestep. Yougottalimberup. Yougottaloosenwhatyoubolteddown. Yougottauseallyougot. Weknowyouretired, tiredandscared. Happenstoeveryone,ok? Justdontletyourfeetstop.”
  – Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

• Pick up the guitar again
  You realize you start to falter from all the skills you’ve acquired throughout the years when you stop playing. This is not like my piano, really. Guitar is so much more different on a wholescale. Stop playing, that’s fine: You still got your memory of how to play it, right? Well, not exactly. Things don’t work that way. Stop playing, the fingers soften. Finger soften, you can’t play the barchords you were so proud of when you first achieved them, nor do that awesome hammering of 5 in a row… I can’t even play Creed’s One Last Breath (Which is considered pretty much a low level for my teacher. Imagine how hard it was for me back then, I’m sure a lot of you beginners agree. Or at least I had a psycho teacher who thought that jumping a beginner to this song straight away is an awesome idea). Not to mention I can’t play Stairway to Heaven right anymore: Can you imagine how frustrating that is to me? Well, I really got to pick up my pace once again. You can NOT neglect practicing the guitar. Gotta keep playing everyday till you get it right.

   

• One week of self-discovery
  My close friends will always remember what this is since I mention it. It’s been like, what, 2 years since I went on a self-discovery trip?! I’m longing for it: This journey for one to think about things, reflect, learn and come back with something new.  Do I have the time for this now? I don’t know. I really just need to run away from everything else that’s been on my mind for the moment and learn abut myself more.

  “Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.”
  — Haruki Murakami (Dance, Dance, Dance)

With this note, I hope I’ve given myself something to dream about.
Bottled-up feelings are overflowing, swallowing me whole at this moment. With Karma Police playing in the background, this scene seems fitting for an antagonist like myself. Who knows? For a minute there, I lost myself…
And after tonight, I will return to the world I know so well, and yearn for the world I want to happen.

Good night, world. It’s been swell entertaining you.
Peel’s Natalie Somewhere rings in my head now.

-rin-